Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912085 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4815 on: Oct 21, 2018, 08:51:43 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4816 on: Oct 22, 2018, 03:46:58 AM »


A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4817 on: Oct 23, 2018, 03:59:20 AM »


Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4818 on: Oct 24, 2018, 04:23:29 AM »


This guy walks into a doctors office and his head is big and orange. The doctor says, "Good god man, you've got a big orange head! How did this happen?"
Guy starts to tell his story: "Well doctor, the other day I was walking along the beach when I notice a piece of metal sticking out of the sand. I picked it up and it was a lamp. I brushed off the sand and *poof* out pops a genie who says he will grant me three wishes.
I say, 'Genie, for my first wish I want a bank account with 10 billion dollars'. Genie says *poof* and hands the me a card with a account number and routing number to a bank account with 10 billion dollars.
So then I said, 'Genie for my second wish I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world and I want her to be madly in love with me'.
All of a sudden *poof* -- I'm standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world, and in her hand she has a marriage certificate."
At this point in the story the guy turns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think this is the point where I went wrong. I turned to the genie and said, 'Genie for my third wish I want a big orange head!'"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4819 on: Oct 26, 2018, 05:08:01 AM »

You Might Be A Redneck If ...
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4820 on: Oct 26, 2018, 05:09:23 AM »


Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4821 on: Oct 27, 2018, 03:25:18 AM »


After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sexwith her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said,'Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned anunusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4822 on: Oct 27, 2018, 02:58:03 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4823 on: Oct 28, 2018, 05:10:42 AM »


Three Little Ducks go into a Bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the rely.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer back fro the second duck.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4824 on: Oct 28, 2018, 06:59:11 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4825 on: Oct 29, 2018, 04:27:54 AM »


A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4826 on: Oct 30, 2018, 04:07:19 AM »


A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4827 on: Oct 30, 2018, 05:28:46 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4828 on: Oct 31, 2018, 03:22:11 AM »


Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle.
Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"Me too," replied Dick.
"And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry groaned, "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4829 on: Oct 31, 2018, 04:57:57 PM »
 ;D


 


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