Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 414822 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4545 on: Jun 07, 18, 03:07:01 AM »


As I was getting in bed, she said, 'You’re drunk'.
I said, 'How do you know?'
She said, 'You live next door . .


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4546 on: Jun 07, 18, 04:03:12 AM »
 ;D


Offline hunts2long

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4547 on: Jun 07, 18, 05:34:17 AM »
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
Some days are diamonds some days are stone

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4548 on: Jun 08, 18, 03:33:26 AM »
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
               Thanks H2L ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4549 on: Jun 08, 18, 03:33:52 AM »


So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4550 on: Jun 09, 18, 04:28:11 AM »


GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…  What’s a headache?”


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4551 on: Jun 09, 18, 05:05:54 AM »
30-30, glad you are back. GMH isn't the only one that stops into MHF every morning...h2l
How has your spring been going h2l
« Last Edit: Jun 09, 18, 05:12:50 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4552 on: Jun 09, 18, 05:07:37 AM »
 ;D


Offline hunts2long

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4553 on: Jun 09, 18, 06:27:53 AM »
GMH, things are going well. Been fishing a couple times. Catching a few walleyes but it will get better as the water warms up. It was 64* on Thursday and with the cool nights (46 last night) it will cool some more. Have a good day....h2l
Some days are diamonds some days are stone

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4554 on: Jun 10, 18, 04:01:54 AM »


A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4555 on: Jun 10, 18, 06:35:10 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4556 on: Jun 11, 18, 04:22:00 AM »


And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4557 on: Jun 12, 18, 04:12:34 AM »


A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, pas this screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4558 on: Jun 13, 18, 04:06:11 AM »


An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4559 on: Jun 13, 18, 03:27:13 PM »
 ;D