Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 914063 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3615 on: Sep 26, 2016, 05:51:13 AM »


                     ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3616 on: Sep 26, 2016, 05:51:33 AM »


An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3617 on: Sep 26, 2016, 05:53:22 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3618 on: Sep 29, 2016, 04:44:04 AM »

Ten common fishing terms explained

 Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

 Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

 Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

 Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

 Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

 School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

 Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

 Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

 Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.


 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3619 on: Sep 29, 2016, 05:53:54 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3620 on: Sep 30, 2016, 04:35:03 AM »


A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

 "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

 "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

 GOD says, "So you would like them."

 "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

 "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

 The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

 GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3621 on: Sep 30, 2016, 05:45:37 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3622 on: Oct 01, 2016, 04:54:42 AM »

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

 The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

 About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

 "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

 Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3623 on: Oct 02, 2016, 04:15:30 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3624 on: Oct 02, 2016, 05:28:05 AM »

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

 Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

 "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3625 on: Oct 03, 2016, 05:30:23 AM »


The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

 Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3626 on: Oct 03, 2016, 06:15:42 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3627 on: Oct 04, 2016, 02:50:09 AM »

Alaska's crazy laws!

Alaska's More Important Laws

 In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

 While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

 It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

 It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

 Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3628 on: Oct 04, 2016, 03:30:56 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #3629 on: Oct 04, 2016, 03:47:12 AM »

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 


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