Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 911202 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4140 on: Jul 16, 2017, 08:48:11 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4141 on: Jul 17, 2017, 04:45:43 AM »


A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
 The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
 A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
 The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
 The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4142 on: Jul 18, 2017, 03:26:38 AM »


“A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.
 By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
 “Getting a second opinion.”

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4143 on: Jul 18, 2017, 06:23:39 PM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4144 on: Jul 20, 2017, 03:39:09 AM »



The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

 "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

 "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

 "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4145 on: Jul 20, 2017, 06:06:11 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4146 on: Jul 21, 2017, 03:32:33 AM »


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

 "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

 "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

 "No sir, our mother."

 "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

 "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4147 on: Jul 22, 2017, 02:45:54 AM »


A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4148 on: Jul 22, 2017, 06:41:39 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4149 on: Jul 23, 2017, 04:16:59 AM »




A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.


'I knew you'd forget my toast?'


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4150 on: Jul 23, 2017, 10:04:38 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4151 on: Jul 25, 2017, 04:51:18 AM »


    These are some things that are said during a golf match or are they!

1. Look at the size of his putter.
 2. Damn, my shaft's all bent.
 3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
 6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
 8. Just turn your back and drop it.
 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
 10. Damn, I missed the hole again. 



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4152 on: Jul 26, 2017, 03:58:12 AM »



 Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

 As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

 Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

 Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4153 on: Jul 27, 2017, 03:41:42 AM »


A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

 "No."

 A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

 "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

 "That's not my dog."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4154 on: Jul 27, 2017, 03:49:24 AM »
 ;D


 


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