Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

 When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

 "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

 "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

[30-30]

A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
 "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.
 I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
 "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
 "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
 "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.
 "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

 Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

 The girl said she was.

 A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

 Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

 The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

 Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

 "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

 Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

 First soldier: "Whyever not?"

 Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                                                   How careers end...

 Lawyers are disbarred.

 Ministers are defrocked.

 Electricians are delighted.

 Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

 Drunks are distilled.

 Alpine climbers are dismounted.

 Piano tuners are unstrung.

 Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

 Artists' models are deposed.

 Cooks are deranged.

 Dressmakers are unbiased.

 Nudists are redressed.

 Office clerks are defiled.

 Mediums are dispirited.

 Programmers are decoded.

 Accountants are discredited.

 Holy people are disgraced.

 Pastry chefs are deserted.

 Perfume makers are dissented.

 Butterfly collectors are debugged.

 Students are degraded.

 Electricians are refused.

 Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

 Underwear models are debriefed

 Painters are discolored.

 Spinsters are dismissed.

 Judges are disappointed.

 Vegas dealers are discarded.

 Mathematicians are discounted.

 Tree surgeons disembark.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                    I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them


 When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

 Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

 Why do 'tugboats push their barges?

 Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

 Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

 Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

 Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

 Does a fish get cramps after eating?

 Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                                           It's crazy laws time again!

                                           Illinois Crazy Law


•The English language is not to be spoken.


•You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.



Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!


•You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.


•You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.


Chicago

•It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.


•In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.


•Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


•Kites may not be flown within the city limits.


•It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.


•Spitting is forbidden


•It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.


Champaign

•One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.


Cicero

•Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.


Crete

•Cars may not be driven through the town.


Des Plaines

•Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.


Eureka

•A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.


Evanston

•It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.


•Bowling is forbidden.


•It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.


Fairfield

•It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.


Freeport

•It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.


Galesburg

•There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.


Homer

•It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.


Joliet

•Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.


Kenilworth

•A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.


Kirkland

•Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.


Moline

•Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.


•There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.


Morton Grove

•You may not own a handgun


Normal

•It is against the law to make faces at dogs.


Orland Prak

•No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.


Ottawa

•Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.


Park Ridge

•Trucks may only park inside closed garages.


Peoria

•Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.


Zion

•It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
> had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the
> key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
> I’ll mail you check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t
> bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to
> my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
>
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he
> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
> just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
> repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
> time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman
> couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly
> bird!”
>
> To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”